My Two Angels Amber and Kara

[karyn]

Unfortunately, I'm new to this board having given birth to my twin girls just last week born still (5/21/10). My story started at around 16 weeks pregnant. Everything was perfect (although horrible nausea) until this appointment. My perinatologist discovered that one of my girls, Kara (Baby B), had a single artery umbilical cord. The norm is two arteries. I was told that she could be born totally normal or there could be a host of problems. I didn't worry from that appointment because I had faith that everything was going to be ok. I was told to come back to verify that this was the case and then I'd be sent to a fetal cardiologist for a closer look. Well two weeks later, week 18, I went in for my ultrasound and Kara had no heartbeat. I was floored as this was totally unexpected. I was never told death would be an outcome. We grieved for weeks to come and still are hurt. We'll Amber (Baby A) went on to have several more great appointments and she was thriving. They saw no problems with her and there was no reason not to carry her to term.  On Week 27 (5/17), I went into my OB (no ultrasound was done which is normal there) and she listened to her heartbeat. Amber was actually kicking the doppler and we all laughed...this was Monday. On Tuesday (5/18), there was lots of activity. I was working and she kicked and squirmmed all day at work. Wednesday (5/19), I only REMEMBERED feeling her in the morning. I was extremely busy all day at work all this day. By that evening at home, I started to panic. I took measures to make her move, drinking cold water, laying on my back, tossing and turning, and even caffeine. I felt nothing. I didn't sleep all night knowing this is when she is sometimes really active while I'm asleep...NOTHING. I called my doctor on her cellphone the next morning. She said to go straight to the E.R. This was now Thursday morning (5/20). I was taken to labor and delivery and they hooked up all of the monitoring devices. THere was NO HEARTBEAT...I couldn't believe I was going through this for a second time. My soul died and it's still is broken. My girls that we had so many hopes and dreams for where no longer going to have a future with their big sister and mommy and daddy who already loved them so much.
We still don't know the exact cause of Amber's passing. We are awaiting genetic test results but I refused the autopsy. I'm leaving it all in God's hands.
Please keep us in your prayers.

[Sandra]

Dear Karyn,
 I am so very sorry for your loss of both of your sweet girls.  I love the names that you chose for them.  There are no words to make this easier, but I am glad that you have found us here and know that you are not alone. 
The love that you have for Amber and Kara will stay with you always, and I hope that you feel their love surrounding you and giving you strength to get through the days ahead.
Wishing you peace,
Sandra

[karyn]

Thank you Sandra. It is comforting knowing there are others that can understand what we go through in a time like this. I feel so empty and heartbroken. I don't know if time can totally heal my heart but I know it will eventually get easier but it's just painful until then.

[Sandra]

I am glad that you have found us here Karyn, tho it makes me sad to know why you need us - I remember that empty feeling - I felt like someone had sucked all of the breath out of me... I found writing helped me a lot in learning to live with my grief, and I don't know how I would have survived if I hadn't found others who had lived through this loss... life felt so different that year...  The pain does ease, it doesn't go away, any more than the love goes away... but it changes, and becomes a part of you that you learn to live with, and eventually the joy sneaks back in too... but it is one day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time until then... we're here if you need us.
Take very good care of yourself,
Peace,
Sandra

[Corinne]

Hi Karyn,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Amber and Kara.  I wish there were something that I could say to ease you through this sad time.  I am really glad that you reached out to join here and that you have shared your story with us.  It is so helpful to have supportive friends who can listen and understand, even if we are online.  Connecting with others is a huge part of the healing that does and will come.  I agree with Sandra about the pain not going away but changing.  As strange as it must sound, it is like you get used to it and learn how to carry it without it crushing the air out of you.  You are not alone.
Welcome here.
Corinne

[karyn]

Thank you both.. I look forward to getting to know you all and all about your little angels. I'm sure they are all playing in heaven together right now.

[Sandra]

Thinking of you today Karyn.  You mentioned learning more about our angels.  My son Ryan lived from 01/31/03-01/29/04.  I still miss him more than I can say, and there are still bad days, especially around the holidays and January may always be hard... but there is light and happiness in my life again...
If you would like to read Ryan's story, it is the first one on this board... Hard to believe I wrote it that long ago! 
Take very good care of yourself,
Peace~
Sandra

[karyn]

Sandra, I did read your story. It is so surreal that we as mothers do all we can do right and still have end up hurting. However, God did you Ryan for the time He did for a reason. I'm sure He wanted Ryan to have some time on the earth to make a difference in the many people lives that he touched and to have a happy life with his mom and dad while here on earth. I sure you do thank God for the time that He gave you. Continue to be blessed.

[Sandra]

Surreal is pretty much the perfect word for life after losing a baby - it still looks like the same world but everything is different... and in my head I kept replaying everything as if I could somehow change my reality if I could just figure out what went wrong....  About a year or so ago I read Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" (we had a kind of online book club going here for a while and a few of us read it) - she describes so well that surreal feeling...
I am thinking of you today, and of Amber and Kara - I hope that you feel their love surrounding you.
Wishing you peace,
Sandra

[strasburgtigger]

Karyn,
I am so glad you found this website!  I am sorry I have not kept in touch with you better.  I hope you are hanging in there!  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Cindy  ...from Babyfit